


I can't make you understand...

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, Heartache, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:23:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6842497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester never thought he'd fall in love...especially not with his best friend. He also never thought it was possible to sabotage unrequited love...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't make you understand...

Dean knew that he had fallen in love with Castiel the first time he laid eyes on him. But...there were three problems with that:

1\. Castiel wasn't even human...he was an angel.  
2\. Castiel resided in a male vessel.  
3\. Dean Winchester didn't fall in love.

Dean thought that he could get past the male vessel part. He'd never been with a man...he'd never even considered it...but he loved everything about Cas...and that included the body that he hid under a drab suit and long trenchcoat. Dean knew how to please women...his number had to be in the triple digits by now...he figured it wouldn't be that different. Especially if it were Cas. He longed to feel Cas's hands upon his body...Cas's lips against his own. But Cas was his best friend...and that may pose another problem. Cas was the only real friend he'd ever had and he didn't want to jeopardize that. The only person who knew how he felt was his brother Sam...and that was only because he'd figured it out. 

It was hard being around Cas...but even harder to stay away. 

Cas just came and went. Sometimes one of the brothers called for him...but most of the time he just showed up unannounced. That had always been unnerving to Dean. The whole situation was unnerving to Dean. Sam would try to be helpful and tell him that you can't control who you fall in love with...it just happens...but that never made Dean feel any better. Here he was...in his 30's and dealing with unrequited love for the first time. Cas had no concept of romantic love. Sure...he watched movies with the brothers and would ask questions...a lot of questions...but emotional entanglement never made sense to him. Dean was starting to realize that he would always be in love with Cas...but Cas could never love him back. He had silently apologized to every woman who had ever loved him...because now he knew. He couldn't even sleep with women anymore. The last few times he tried he couldn't get hard. He would end up feeling like an asshole when he had to reassure the woman that it wasn't her fault...that sometimes these things happened. He'd eventually just stopped trying. The only thing that took his mind off of it was work.

\--------------------

Sam and Dean were hunters...just like their father had been...just like their maternal grandfather had been. The Winchester and Campbell roots ran deep into the life. Deep enough that it wasn't coincidence that brought John Winchester and Mary Campbell together. It had been decided by a higher power. Whether it was from a lifetime spent learning...or a natural inclination that ran through their blood...Sam and Dean Winchester were the best there was. They could track and kill almost anything out there. Anything from a general haunting to cases of biblical proportions. They had both seen heaven...and they had both seen hell. That is how Castiel came into their lives. Sam had been stabbed...killed. Dean made a deal with a crossroads demon. He traded his soul for Sam's life. Castiel had been sent to retrieve Dean's soul...he brought him back...but not until Dean had suffered what equated to 40 years in the pit. He came back broken and damaged. At first Dean tried to convince himself that he wasn't truly in love with Cas...that it was gratitude or some type of hero worship. But years had passed...and his feelings had just grown stronger. He finally just accepted the situation for what it was.

The brothers lived an unstable and ever changing life. They didn't even have a home....they never really had. They traveled the country in Dean's 1967 Chevy Impala working cases. Cheap motels and diner food bought with phony credit cards was all they'd ever known. When things got too rough on the road...when they needed some respite...they would go stay at their Uncle Bobby's house in Sioux Falls...but they never stayed for long. Dean always got restless. His frustration and pent up sexual energy made him a better hunter.

\--------------------

They were working a simple case in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Dean was at the top of his game. He always felt a rush when they got the kill...saving people...hunting things...that was the family business. They returned to the motel pumped full of testosterone and adrenaline. Sam usually let Dean have the first shower...Sam usually let Dean have his way. Dean was hot headed and stubborn...a true Winchester. Sam was more logical and easy going. He had learned a long time ago that he had to choose his battles wisely when it came to his older brother. Cold showers after a hunt had become a way of life. Sam had just gotten in the shower and Dean was sitting on one of the beds toweling water out of his hair when Cas showed up.

"Hello Dean"

It was the same greeting every time...those same two words in a low gravely voice. It always made Dean's breath catch...and it always took a minute for him to recover. He had to work up to looking into Cas's blue eyes.

"Hey Cas...what's up?" Dean smiled. Cas may not love Dean back...but he was still Dean's best friend and he was always happy to see him.

Cas wandered slowly around the room...looking at things...touching things..."Oh not much Dean. I just haven't heard from you or Sam for awhile. I wanted to make sure everything was going well."

"Everything is good. You know...same old same old."

Cas gave Dean a quizzical look. Sometimes Dean forgot that Cas didn't understand slang. He took everything literally.

"Hey Cas" Sam called as he walked out of the bathroom.

"Hello Sam."

"So...Dean" Sam continued, "I don't know about you but I am starving. That little dive bar across the street is advertising a steak dinner for $6.99. It'll probably taste like shit...but let's go."

"Right behind ya Sammy" Dean said as he put on his shoes. He grabbed his jacket and turned, "Cas? You coming with?"

"You know that I don't eat Dean."

"I know...but you can still come. Keep us company. You make a cheap date." Dean grinned. Cas didn't always understand what Dean was talking about...but he understood the grin. 

Cas just nodded...and the three of them walked out of the room...Dean locking the door behind them. 

They opened the door leading into the bar and were inundated by the smell of stale beer and the sound of the ancient jukebox playing classic rock so loud that people had to shout to make conversation. Dean had been to this same bar hundreds of times. The names and locations were different...but the bar was the same. The Winchester brothers always got attention when they walked into a room. Sam was 6"4' tall...and Dean had the greenest eyes that anyone had ever seen. Cas hid behind them as they wandered around until they found an empty booth. Dean checked the place out from his vantage point. Not too long ago...on a night like this...he would not be leaving alone. He was cocky...arrogant...and charming. He was good looking...and he knew it. Women loved him...and up until recently...he loved women. They ordered their steak and beer and sat back to wait.

"I don't know why you always insist upon buying me drinks," Cas yelled into Dean's ear.

"Appearances Cas. You're supposed to blend in."

Cas just nodded and smiled at the waitress as she set the food and drinks in front of them. "Let me know if you need anything else" she winked at Dean as she walked away.

"This place is crawling with women thirsty for a little company Sammy. Put some effort into it...you'll probably get lucky" Dean yelled across the table.

"What about you Dean?" Cas asked, "you could too. The waitress seems to like you."

Dean just shook his head and took a drink of his beer. Sam was right...the food did taste like shit and now he was frustrated. He could get a girl back to the room...that wouldn't be a problem...but it would just end up being embarrassing and pointless. He suddenly had the desire to get drunk. Very drunk. He ordered a shot when the waitress came back.

Six or seven shots later Sam caught him on his way out of the bathroom and pulled him aside. "Why do you do this? You invite him out with us...and end up miserable. Don't get me wrong...I like Cas...but Dean..."

Dean gave Sam his signature grin, "I'm not miserable Sammy...I'm drunk. And I plan to keep drinking." 

\-----------------

The rest of the night was a blur for Dean. Shots...music...beautiful women vying for his attention. He hadn't felt this good in a long time. He was starting to think that maybe he didn't have to leave alone. Before he knew it he was back at the motel and fumbling with the keys. He was drunk and thinking with his dick...finally. He got the door open and stumbled in. Before he could turn the light on he was being held against the door and kissed. It had been months since he'd kissed anybody. He reached back and turned the lock...Sam could get his own room for the night. He'd understand. He knew that Dean needed this. Everything was just the hazy feeling of drunken skin on skin...lips touching...hands grasping and pulling...mouths sucking. Dean was able to get it up. No mascara filled tears and drunken apologies to be made. He was in this for his pleasure...he knew that it was selfish...but it had been so long. After he came for the second time...he couldn't take anymore. He mumbled what he hoped was a polite version of goodnight and passed out.

\--------------------

Dean felt the sun against his eyes and tried to turn his head...it was pounding. He felt like shit. He was sore and hungover. He reached across the bed and realized that he was alone. He knew he was an asshole for being glad that whoever was in here had already left. He just hoped they'd used a condom...or two. He finally struggled to sit up and look around. His clothes had been tossed everywhere. He limped naked into the bathroom and turned the shower as hot as it would go. When he wiped the steam off of the mirror he could see red and purple bruises on his neck and chest. Shit...Sammy would never let him live that down. He got dressed and picked up his phone to call Sam. He hoped that he'd been able to find a room after he'd locked him out...he knew he'd get an earful anyway.

"Dean...what the fuck?"

"Good morning to you too Sammy. On a scale of one to ten how pissed off are you?"

"Dean...we need to talk..."

Dean just sighed...Sam loved this dramatic 'we need to talk' bullshit, "We can talk over breakfast. Have you seen Cas?"

"He's here...with me. Smooth move you pulled last night. You are un-fucking-believable." Sam hissed into the phone.

"Damn...your panties are twisted this morning. Meet me at the diner I'm walking over there now."

Sam hung up on him. 

\--------------------

Dean walked into the diner attached to the motel and sank into a booth. He signaled to the waitress that he needed coffee and tilted his head back with his eyes closed. He was in absolutely no mood for Sam's shit...but if he let him get it all out of his system early....he wouldn't hound him all day. He heard the bell on the door and felt Sam sit down across from him. "Morning Sammy" he murmured without lifting his head. He heard the waitress set his coffee down and Sam ordered for both of them. One of the perks of being together almost 24/7...Sam knew what his go-to hangover breakfast was. His finally lifted his head and wrapped his hand around the mug that had been set in front of him. He opened one eye and could see Sam staring at him. He leaned forward and put his arms on the table. "Okay Sam...you're pissed...I get it."

"No Dean...I'm not pissed. But you fucked up...big time."

"What?" Dean was confused....

"Let's just say that I like your little neck markings. I found a matching set..."

Dean's heart dropped into his stomach. "Don't say it Sammy...please don't say it..." Oh god no...he hadn't been that drunk...there was no way...

"You'd better figure this out because I only got about a five minute head start..."

Dean groaned and dropped his head into his hands. "But...how? I mean there's never been...anything. No tension...nothing. I didn't even know if he...could."

"I don't know how Dean. What I do know is that I turned around and suddenly realized that I was alone at the bar...and you had the only set of keys to the room. The 'Dean fucked up' part didn't kick in until I saw him this morning. Aaand here he comes."

Dean wanted to crawl under the table and hide. Sam was right...he had fucked up big time. He stared out the window but watched Cas sit down next to Sam out of the corner of his eye. He figured that the best way to deal with this...was by not dealing with this. He took a deep breath...

"What's up Cas?"

He could see the bruises on Cas's neck. How could he have done that...and not know that it was Cas? Cas wasn't even feminine. How did they even get to that point? But damn he wished he remembered more. That was his one and only chance...

"Not much Dean. Should I order a drink? For appearances?"

"Yeah Cas...good idea." Dean hated himself....

They got through breakfast. Dean was hoping that Cas thought he was just hungover and not uncomfortable. The three of them walked together to drop off the keys for the room Sam had to crash in last night and headed back to the other room...

Dean was trying to remember if he'd pulled the blankets up over the sheets. The last thing he wanted was for the bed to have that freshly fucked in look. He was relieved that the room looked fine and he quickly started packing his bag. "So...what do you say we head to Bobby's for a few days? My baby needs a tune up and oil change. We could be there by tomorrow afternoon." he called to Sam.

"Sounds good to me...I had a few ideas that I wanted to run past him anyway. I'll call him real quick and let him know."

"Well...Cas...we're out of here so...we'll talk soon?" Dean felt like an idiot.

"Of course Dean. Goodbye Sam." Sam just waved as Cas took off. Dean fell into a chair and let out a deep sigh of relief. Now he just wanted to know how this could have happened.

\--------------------

Sam waited for an hour or two to let it sink in before he started in on Dean again. "Seriously Dean? How could you?"

"I don't know Sam. I didn't know it was happening. I mean I knew it was happening...just not who it was with. Fuck!! So let's just forget it. If he didn't say anything to you...and he didn't say anything to me...we should be good. You know Cas...he always says exactly what he's thinking. We'll just forget it ever happened."

Sam turned and looked at Dean, "Can you?"

"I have no choice Sammy."

\--------------------

Bobby greeted them with bear hugs and cold beers. He chuckled at the marks on Dean's neck. The kid was in his 30's and still playing the ladies. "Alright Dean...you know where I keep my tools. Just pull her in and and get working on her whenever. I was getting ready to cook something up. You boys want to eat first."

"Yeah Bobby...sounds good Bobby..." they both mumbled as they wandered into Bobby's cramped old house. They loved it here. It was their vacation home. The eye in their storm. And Bobby...he treated them like the sons he never had. 

Dean felt like he could finally relax. Bobby had given him pointed and amused looks...but didn't ask questions. He gave Dean a few extra beers to take outside and then turned his attention to Sam. Bobby was retired but had been a hell of a hunter in his time. Now he was a fact checker and he studied lore. He was the go-to guy. Dean knew that one day Sam would take Bobby's place. Sam was built that way...Dean didn't have the patience. Sam was happiest sitting at Bobby's old desk with thick dusty books and his laptop. Dean was happiest with the hood of his car up and the radio blaring. That's why they made a good team.

Dean knew that he had to stay busy or he would drive himself nuts by overthinking. What he needed now was to turn up the radio and get his hands greasy...turning the wrench to the sounds of epic guitar solos soothed his soul. 

\--------------------

He felt good when he stepped back and grabbed a beer out of his cooler. He still had work to do...but the sun was fading and he'd always preferred working during the day...using the natural sunlight rather than a hanging bulb. He felt a cold breeze slip through his thin t-shirt as he started walking around Bobby's salvage yard. When he and Sam were kids they would wander around the stacks of flattened cars and make up stories about them. They tried to guess who had owned the car...and why it had ultimately ended up here. Dean smiled as he wandered up and down the rows...coming up with scenarios in his head for some of the more interesting cars.

"Hello Dean."

Dean stopped with a deep sigh. He didn't want to deal with Cas...not tonight. He knew that Cas didn't understand the concept of regret...but Dean needed more time. He knew that it was blatantly rude when he didn't turn around. 

"Hey Cas. I'm not really up for a conversation tonight. But Sam and Bobby are in the house." Cas didn't respond...but Dean could still feel him standing close. He might as well get this over with...so he turned to Cas...not knowing what to say. He knew that Cas had no idea that everything had changed. "Cas no offense man...but I've been working on my car...I'm tired...and not in the best mood right now." He couldn't even look him in the eye. He didn't realize that Cas had stepped towards him until he felt Cas place his hands on either side of his face and gently lift his head so that he was forced to meet his eyes. He wanted to cry. Without warning...Cas pulled Dean's face to his for a passionate kiss. Dean didn't feel the beer bottle slip from his hand as he reached inside of Cas's trenchcoat and pulled their bodies closer. When they stopped to catch their breath...Dean let go and took a step back. He was confused...he had so many questions...but when he locked eyes with Cas...that all fell away

"Dean...have I done something wrong?"

"No Cas." Dean whispered...looking around. They weren't too far from the house...Bobby or Sam could walk out anytime and find them. "Just not right here."

Cas nodded and grabbed Dean's wrist. He pulled him towards the garage and pushed him up against the cinder block wall that faced away from the house. "Is this better?" he whispered in Dean's ear. Dean couldn't speak...he couldn't move...so Cas took that as a yes. Again he leaned in for a kiss...holding Dean's body against the wall with his own. Dean pushed Cas's coat off and wrapped his arms around his waist...pressing his hands against Cas's lower back. Cas held his hands on either side of Dean's face and explored Dean's mouth with his tongue. When he felt Dean slowly grinding against him he slid a hand down between them and rubbed him through his pants. Dean started panting and pulled his mouth away from Cas's so that he could catch his breath. He had never been so turned on. He moaned when he felt Cas's hand undo the button on his jeans. His zipper came down and Cas reached inside to wrap his hand around Dean's throbbing cock. His hand started to slowly slide up and down while he kissed along Dean's neck and jawbone. Dean was so lost in the feeling of Cas's hand working him that he couldn't move. He wasn't going to last long. He was moaning with every stroke and finally felt the throbbing grow stronger until he knew he was going to explode. "Cas..." he whispered weakly as the hot sticky come covered Cas's hand. Cas stroked him a few more times until he was sure that Dean was completely satisfied. Dean couldn't catch his breath. He pulled the old work rag out of his back pocket and handed it to Cas. Cas wiped his hand and ran the rag across Dean's stomach. He gently zipped and buttoned Dean's pants...picked up his trenchcoat...and turned to walk away. Dean was still out of breath and confused...he didn't say anything to stop him. He leaned against the wall wondering why Cas had just shown up and given him the best hand job he'd ever had. It wasn't until he heard Sam call his name that he was able to stand and walk. "Be right there Sammy." he called back as he reached down for the beer bottle that he had dropped and wandered towards the house...still in a daze.

"Did you need me for something?" Dean asked Sam when he found him standing next to the car.

"No...not really. I just peeked out and saw that the hood of the car was up...but you weren't here. I was just making sure you were okay."

Dean was relieved...Sam didn't seem to notice that he was still breathing heavy and the setting sun helped to hide the flushed skin on his face. "Do you remember that game we used to play when we were kids...the one where we'd guess who had owned all of these cars and why they ended up here?"

Sam chuckled. "I do remember that...we came up with some crazy shit. Is that what you've been doing? Wandering around checking out these old flattened chunks of metal?"

"Yeah...and I'm pretty sure that most of these cars were here back then. Not much has changed."

"Find anything interesting?"

Dean paused for a minute. "Not really" he said as he closed the hood of his car and followed Sam into the house. He turned and looked back over the yard before he pulled the door shut behind him...but Cas wasn't out there. 

\--------------------

Cas showed up again a few days later. This time he didn't corner Dean in the yard...he appeared at the house where Bobby and the brothers were relaxing with a drink and talking. Sam noticed him first. "Oh...hey Cas."

Dean almost choked on his drink. He didn't expect to see him again so soon. 

"Hello Sam...Dean...Bobby. I'm not interrupting anything am I?"

"Not at all" Bobby said. "C'mon in here and take a seat. Unless this is business related and not a social call." As hard as he tried...Bobby just could not understand why that angel did the things he did sometimes.

"No. No business." Cas said...still standing in the corner. He usually preferred to stand...and really he was just there to check on Dean anyway. He had grown very fond of Dean over the years. "Things are getting settled upstairs. My presence seems to make some of my brothers and sisters uncomfortable...so I thought I'd stop by and check on everyone."

Sam was looking from Dean to Cas and back to Dean again. It had been just over a week since their drunken night...the bruises on Dean's neck were starting to fade. Dean hadn't so much as looked at Cas since he showed up. Sam just hoped that Bobby couldn't sense the tension...and he hoped that Cas would stay in the shadows. There was no way to explain it to Bobby. Hell...he wished that he didn't know about it. Dean mumbled something about needing to use the bathroom and went upstairs. He spent ten minutes splashing cold water on his face. This was ridiculous. He was a grown man...not a 14 year old girl. He went back downstairs and Cas was gone.

"Cas just left. He said he'd talk to you later." Sam could see the relief on Dean's face. 

Bobby just shook his head...something was going on...but he didn't want to know a thing about it. He finished his drink and went to bed.

Dean laid down on the couch and closed his eyes. He was hoping that would convince Sam that he was too tired to talk. Sam had that look on his face...and Dean didn't want to deal with it. Sam took the hint and went to bed. Dean just laid on the couch and stared at the ceiling. He really didn't know why he was making such a big deal about this whole thing. So he'd gotten drunk and fooled around with Cas...he barely remembered it. So Cas had shown up and given him a hand job behind the garage...it was just a hand job. Okay...maybe it didn't make sense...but there wasn't anything he could do about it. Eventually he turned off the lamp and pulled the blanket up. That's when he felt it. Cas had come back.

\------------------

"Hello Dean." Cas whispered in his ear. Even when he was trying to be sneaky he still felt obligated to make the polite introduction.

Dean rolled towards him. "Cas...not again...okay? Yeah...it's all fun and games...but it's not right."

"Is it because I am male?"

Dean sat up in the dark. "That has nothing to do with it." 

He felt Cas sit on the couch next to him and groaned. The trenchcoat and suit jacket were already on the floor. Before he knew it he was struggling to get Cas's tie off while Cas was kissing and biting his neck. "No bruises..." Dean whispered and he felt Cas nod against him. Cas was pulling at Dean's shirt until Dean finally just lifted his arms and let Cas pull it over his head. They were laying chest to chest...fumbling with each other's pants...both desperate to feel the other's skin. Finally free of their clothes Dean rolled Cas on his back and settled himself between his legs. He intertwined their fingers and held Cas's hands above his head while he started rocking his hips...sliding his hard cock between their bodies. Cas began to moan when he felt the friction...Dean had to press his lips against Cas's to absorb the moan and keep him quiet. Cas's mouth became hot and needy as Dean explored it with his tongue. Cas tilted his hips and met Dean's rhythm...their cocks trapped between them...Cas unable to use his hands. Dean pressed his body against Cas's as hard as he could...he knew he was going to come. Cas started to whisper, "Dean...that thing that happens...I'm right there...it's going to happen..." as he came all over their stomachs. That was enough to put Dean over the edge and with one final rock...he came. He let go of Cas's hands and laid on him...limp and sweaty. He realized that they couldn't do this. Sam or Bobby could come downstairs at any time. He grabbed a dishcloth from the kitchen and cleaned them both up. 

Just as Dean got his pants zipped up Cas was putting his trenchcoat on. "Cas!" Dean hissed, "you are not just getting dressed and walking away. I need some answers. But we can't talk here...follow me outside."

They got outside and away from the house. Dean didn't know if he was going to get upset...but he knew he was loud when he did...and he didn't want to wake up Sam or Bobby. "Okay Cas" he started calmly, "I've got to be totally honest here...I don't know how or why you ended up in my bed at the motel..."

"You were upset Dean"

"Okay...I was drunk and upset and after all of these years we decided to have sex? I didn't even know that you could have sex. I don't understand that whole angel/vessel thing that you've got going on. I need a little more than I was upset."

"Well...we've established that you were drunk. Many beautiful women were...I guess you'd call it flirting with you. Some were quite aggressive. At one point you told me that it was pointless. That you wouldn't 'get laid' because you wouldn't even be able to 'get it up'. I assumed that you meant you wouldn't be having intercourse because you wouldn't be able to get an erection."

"Okay...now I feel like I'm in a high school health class. Not to mention that this is embarrassing...but I'm sure it will get worse. So...how did we end up going from there to my motel room?"

"I asked if I could do anything to help you."

Dean groaned...he knew where this was going. "And I said?"

"You said that I was the only thing that could help you."

Dean wanted to dig a hole. He had sexually propositioned his best friend...who was an angel...while he was drunk. And it had worked. "So how about the random hand job behind the garage the other day? Or what just happened on the couch?"

"You didn't enjoy..."

"Yes Cas...I enjoyed it. That's what the moaning and the groaning and the warm sticky stuff means. I want to know why it happened."

"You seemed to get so much pleasure that night at the motel...I just thought that I could keep giving you pleasure"

Oh great...a best friend with benefits who you are madly in love with. Just what every man wants. "What did we do that night at the motel Cas?"

"I can only go by what I've seen in movies and magazines but I'm going to say that we did pretty much everything."

"Everything as in..."

"Are you asking me if we had intercourse Dean? If there was penetration?"

"God Cas...high school health class again. But yes...that's what I'm asking."

"Yes."

"Well...which one of us..."

"We both did."

Okay...that explained a lot of the morning after soreness.

"If it makes you feel any better...I too get a lot of pleasure from it."

Dean had to admit...that did make him feel a little better. "Well...it can't keep happening. It stops here."

"If that's what you want Dean. But I have to admit...I am disappointed. I enjoy your body immensely."

"Thank you Cas...but this fucks with my head...so no more."

"What does it do to your head?"

"God Cas...I can't explain it. You'll never understand. I just...I can't do this." and he walked back to Bobby's house. He didn't want Cas to see the tears.

\--------------------

Dean was still agitated and Sam knew that the only way to bring him down was to find a case. He spent all morning on his laptop looking for something...anything. He finally came across what looked like a typical haunting nearby. It wasn't much...but it might take the edge off. They packed up the car and headed out. Dean didn't talk. He just turned the music up and drove. 

They got to the motel and Sam started fact checking. They were going to have to go into town...do some interviews...basic intel. They weren't even going to have to use the FBI suits. Sam could see that this wasn't going to be enough. Dean was still irritable as hell. He left Dean at the motel to relax and went into town to take care of the interviews himself.

\--------------------

Dean was dozing on the bed when he knew...he just knew. "Cas...I told you last night..."

"That's not why I'm here Dean."

"Okay...that may not be your intention...but I'm sorry...we get within a few feet of each other your intentions and my willpower will be gone...and we'll be back to square one." 

"Then we won't get within a few feet of each other. I just wanted to check on you. I know that you are angry Dean...and I'm sorry"

Dean sat up and looked at Cas...he desperately wanted to touch him. "I'm not angry Cas. I'm probably blowing this out of proportion anyway." he said wearily. They weren't touching...he couldn't even see Cas's face. He sighed deeply...maybe they would be okay. And then he smelled it...Cas's skin. He always smelled like honey and musk. Dean was already growing hard "Cas..."

"I know...you want me to leave."

"That's the problem...I don't want you to leave..." he reached out and pulled Cas to him. He knew that Sam would be gone all day. They had hours...and this would be the last time. There was no hurry...no sense of urgency. Cas kissed every inch of Dean's body...Dean knew that Cas was marking him...leaving bruises...but he didn't care. He rolled Cas onto his back and left a trail of wet kisses down his chest and stomach. He kissed and nipped at the sensitive skin along his hips and gently wrapped his hand around Cas's hard cock...absentmindedly running it up and down the length. Cas moaned...and Dean let him...there wasn't anyone else around. "Look at me Cas..." Dean whispered. Cas's blue eyes locked with Dean's bright green ones and he watched as Dean slowly licked the head of his cock. He gasped...but couldn't tear his eyes away. Dean swirled his tongue along the ridge and then took the head into his mouth...gently sucking and licking. Cas moaned and closed his eyes...he felt Dean stop. "I won't do this unless you're watching me". Cas looked down and watched Dean dip his head...taking his cock into his mouth and down his throat. He wrapped his hand more tightly around the base and slid his mouth and tongue up and down the length. "Dean...I'm going to..." Dean pulled his mouth away but continued to stroke Cas with his hand. "It's called come Cas...you're going to come..." and he dropped his head back down...taking as much of Cas as he could until Cas's body tensed and he he felt the warm sticky fluid slide down the back of his throat. He climbed back up to lay next to Cas. He wiped the sweat from Cas's face and pulled him close.

"I wish I could make you understand..."

"Understand what Dean?"

Dean sighed, "why it's you...why it needed to be you." He gave Cas a hard kiss before he could say anything. He didn't want Cas asking more questions. He didn't want Cas to see him get emotional. 

Cas reached down and started to stroke Dean. He moved his body until he was on his back and had Dean positioned between his legs "It's your turn" he whispered against Dean's mouth as he wrapped his legs around him. Dean didn't even question him. He knew what Cas wanted...what they both wanted. Dean stuck two fingers in his mouth and then reached down and slid one inside of Cas and felt him wince. He slid the second one in and started moving them while he kissed Cas's neck softly. He leaned back and watched Cas's face...he could see that Cas was in pain but he was looking at him with a tenderness that Dean had never seen before. He withdrew his fingers and rubbed the pre come across the head of his cock. He slid himself inside of Cas in one fluid motion. Cas was so tight. They gently kissed and touched until Cas was relaxed enough for Dean to slowly rock back and forth against him. Cas arched his back and moaned when Dean found the sweet spot. Dean didn't want it to end yet...this was the last time...they both knew it. He was going to come more quickly than he wanted...but there was no way to stop it. He started thrusting harder and in a daze he heard Cas "I want you to come Dean...I want to watch your face when you come..." Dean couldn't hold back anymore...he locked eyes with Cas and thrust one final time before he collapsed on top of him. Cas wrapped his arms around him and trailed his fingers up and down his back. 

Dean could have laid like that forever...

\--------------------

Dean started to feel too comfortable laying with Cas. He couldn't do this again. He got out of bed, "So...um...Sam will probably be back soon and I need to shower."

Cas climbed out of the bed and started to slowly put his clothes back on. Dean just watched...knowing he'd never see this again. He couldn't do this to himself. Cas turned to him looking for an embrace...some type of ending. Dean couldn't do it. He picked up his clothes and walked into the bathroom. He could feel when Cas was gone. He stood in the shower and let the hot water mix with the tears. He couldn't believe he was crying over this...he was tougher than that. He'd been raised to believe that he had to be tougher than that. He never should have let this happen. He shouldn't have had so much to drink that night at the bar. He shouldn't have let Cas pull him behind the garage. He shouldn't have let Cas on the couch at Bobby's. And today? Today especially should not have happened. Today had been too perfect. He cried in the shower until the water turned cold. He was in the bathroom getting dressed when he heard Sam come back. 

"So...what'd you find out Sammy?" he asked as he walked out of the bathroom.

"Basic vengeful spirit. I've got the cemetery plot number so I guess after dark we'll go do our thing. Hungry?"

"I'm starving...pizza or burgers?"

Sam smiled. Dean seemed a little calmer...less edgy. "Pizza...but we're splitting it. I am not eating one of those five types of meat with extra grease things that you like."

"Oh yeah...I forget...you like salad on your pizza."

"Mushrooms do not constitute a salad." Sam argued as he followed Dean out of the room.

\-----------------

Things got back to normal...as normal as they could be. The boys would hunt....they would argue...but mostly they drove. From one case on to the next. Dean wasn't as irritable...but all he wanted to do was work. He wanted to stay busy...he needed to stay busy. They hadn't talked about Cas since they left Bobby's. As far as Sam knew...they hadn't seen Cas since they'd left Bobby's.

\--------------------

The boys caught wind of a possible shapeshifter in Colorado. Dean would always take on a shapeshifter hunt...they were challenging and sometimes he felt like he had a personal vendetta against them. He hated shifters. This case was not going as planned. The shifter eluded them for days. Dean was amped up...angry...dangerous. The boys were finally able to trap it in an old warehouse. It was dark and it was dingy. Dean was so anxious for the kill he neither saw nor heard when Sam was hit and knocked unconscious. Dean took care of business and turned around...but Sam wasn't there.

"Sam? Sammy?" his voice echoed against the brick walls and rusty steel pipes. "This isn't funny Sam. Where in the hell are you?"

Dean backtracked with his flashlight until he found Sam. He was laying on the concrete floor...his leg bent at a strange angle and blood was oozing out of a deep gash on the back of his head. Logic told Dean not to move him...but Dean had never been one to listen to logic. He picked Sam up and carried him to the car...pure adrenaline giving him the necessary strength. He found the nearest hospital...pulled up to the emergency room...and jumped out of the Impala.

"My brother...he...he fell and smacked his head. He's unconscious. There's something wrong with his leg. I need some help now!"

Two orderlies grabbed a gurney and followed Dean outside. They gently pulled Sam out of the car and quickly took him into the hospital. Dean hurried and parked and followed them.

Dean could see lab coats and scrubs surrounding a gurney...but he couldn't see Sam. He couldn't get close enough. He was pushed towards a waiting room while they pulled the curtain around them...completely blocking Dean's view. Dean's biggest fear was losing his brother. Sam meant everything to him. He'd gone to hell for him...and he would do it again. He just paced in the waiting room...stopping about every ten minutes to ask the clerk at the registration desk if he could go see his brother...if they had any news. He was waiting to call Bobby...he needed to know what was going on first. "Mr. Winchester?" his head jerked up when he heard his name.

"Yeah...I'm Dean Winchester. How's Sam? He's okay...right?"

"Your brother does have a break in his lower tibia...but I don't think that he will require surgery. We have the orthopedic specialist in with him right now casting it. He also suffered a pretty severe head wound. It took about thirty stitches. His ct scan came back okay but he does have a serious concussion. I'd like to keep him for a day or two for observation."

Dean almost dropped to the floor with relief. Sam was going to be okay. "Can I see him?"

"Once we get him moved and settled into a room you can go ahead and see him. It will probably be about an hour if you want to go grab something to eat or drink. He'll be on the third floor."

"Thank you doc...I really appreciate it." Dean said...squeezing her hand. His adrenaline had worn off...so he followed the signs to the cafeteria to grab some coffee. He wasn't going to leave Sam's side until they made him...and even then he'd put up a fight. He took his coffee outside and called Bobby.

"Hey Bobby...yeah we got the shifter but Sam got hit...he's pretty banged up...yeah...I'm at the hospital now...in Fort Collins...a broken leg and concussion...they want to keep him for a day or two...but he'll be okay...I'll tell him you said that when I get to see him...of course...we'll head straight to your place once he's been released...thanks Bobby..."

Dean hung up the phone and leaned his elbows on the hood of his car...the cup of hospital coffee was growing cold in his hand. He sighed deeply and thought about Sam. He had always felt responsible for Sam...he felt guilty as hell. He should have been paying attention...Sam shouldn't have gotten hurt.

"He's going to be okay Dean."

No...no...no...he did not need this right now. "How did you know that we were here Cas?"

"Dean...I always know when one of you is in danger. Sam will be fine and it's not your fault."

Dean turned to Cas...ready to argue...ready to take responsibility for what happened to Sam...but he didn't have the energy. "He should be settled in by now. Third floor. You coming with?"

Cas just nodded and followed Dean into the hospital.

\--------------------

Sam was awake when they got to his room. "Apparently they aren't going to let me sleep for awhile...but these pain meds are pretty hard core."

Dean was just happy to see him sitting up and talking. "So what happened? You were right behind me..."

"I don't know for sure. Hell...for all I know I slipped in a puddle of water and did this to myself."

Sam noticed Cas in the corner and just nodded his head towards him. "I'm glad to see that you are okay Sam."

"Thanks Cas."

The hospital staff kicked them out a few hours later. Dean didn't put up a fight. Sam was okay and he was exhausted. "I'll see you first thing in the morning."

Sam just nodded. The pain meds were working and he was feeling pretty good.

Cas followed Dean outside to the car. "Well...I'm glad that Sam is okay. I'll go now. You look like you need to sleep."

Dean was tired...but he didn't want to be alone. He had sworn to himself that the afternoon they spent at the motel was the last time they would be intimate...and he had to stick to that. He told Cas that it was the last time. They both knew. "Hey Cas..." He called to Cas's retreating back.

"Yes Dean?" He asked as he turned around.

"I don't want to be alone..."

Cas walked back to the car. He searched Dean's face. He could tell that their friendship had changed...and he thought he knew why. Dean nodded slightly and Cas got in the car. With a deep sigh Dean started the engine and they went back to the cheap motel.

\--------------------

Dean was exhausted...he just wanted a hot shower and some sleep. He knew that Cas would stay up all night and just watch him...it wouldn't be the first time. He just needed to know that somebody was there. He grabbed clothes out of the bag sitting on his bed and went in the bathroom to shower. He stood under the stream of water...hoping the heat would relax the knots in his neck and shoulders. He shut off the water before it turned cold...throwing his clothes on without even drying off. Dean always slept fully clothed...he always had. It was part of the hunter's way of life. Cas was sitting on Sam's bed...leaning back against the headboard. Dean fell onto the other bed and turned off the lamp. He closed his eyes...but he couldn't sleep. He kept picturing the night that Sam was stabbed...how he had to carry Sam's lifeless body. He couldn't go through that again...this was only a broken leg and concussion...but it shook him up. He should have been paying attention. 

"Dean...stop beating yourself up over this. Sam is going to be fine."

"I know he is Cas...but you weren't there when he was stabbed. That was before we...well you know how that story played out."

"I do. And I also know how this story will play out. He'll be fine."

Dean sighed and stared at the ceiling with his hands under his head. "You're right Cas..." He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

He didn't dream of stabbings or shapeshifters...he dreamt of blue eyes and honey musk. Gentle hands and slow kisses. He rolled on his side...and felt Cas standing next to his bed. "I know that you told me that you didn't want anything to happen again...but I can't hear you say my name in your sleep and just ignore it. I know that you don't want to be alone...but I'm sorry. I need to leave."

"No...Cas...please..."

Dean knew that letting Cas into his bed...again...was a bad idea...but he didn't want to be alone. Not tonight. This was becoming a pathetic pattern...but he would deal with that when Sam was out of the hospital and they made it to Bobby's. He was only hurting himself. He felt the bed dip under Cas's weight and he rolled into his arms. His exhaustion became a gentle laziness when Cas touched him. Cas knew what he wanted...and Dean wanted a distraction. Cas's hands were all over him...pushing and pulling until his clothes were in a pile on the floor. Dean reached for Cas and pulled him into a long lingering kiss. They laid on their sides...facing each other in the dark...just kissing and touching until Dean rolled onto his back and pulled Cas on top of him. He trailed his fingers across Cas's shoulders and down his back. He wasn't even hard yet...he wanted to take his time. He softly moaned and tilted his head back when Cas started kissing and biting the sensitive skin on his neck. Dean dug his fingers into Cas's back when he felt his cock start to swell. Cas covered Dean's mouth with his...softly biting his bottom lip. He slid down and placed a wet kiss at the base of Dean's throat. His mouth seemed to be everywhere...kissing and licking. He slid between Dean's legs and sat up...running his hands up Dean's sides and down his chest. He wrapped his hand around Dean's cock and started to slowly stroke. Dean took a deep breath and let himself go...he gave in to the feeling of Cas's hands and mouth...not caring about how he would feel tomorrow. This is what he needed right now. He felt Cas reach down and hesitantly press a finger against him...Cas had said that they'd done this before...and Dean wanted to remember what it felt like to have Cas inside of him. "Cas..." he whispered hoarsely as he pushed his body against him...letting him know that this is what he wanted. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain when he felt Cas slide the first finger in. Cas leaned up and kissed him hard against the gasp that escaped Dean's lips when he pressed the second finger in. Dean had never considered anything like this...but right now all he wanted was to feel Cas...all of him...as close as he could. "Cas..." he whispered again. He felt Cas's body heat fade from his chest as Cas sat up between Dean's legs. He slid a pillow under Dean's hips and pressed himself against him. Dean could barely breathe through the pain that he felt when Cas slid inside of him. "Dean?" He knew that Cas didn't want to hurt him. "Give me a minute Cas...let me get used to you..." He felt Cas bend forward and kiss him gently. He showered Dean's neck and shoulders with kisses while he softly ran his hands up and down Dean's sides. He didn't want to hurt Dean...but he knew that this was what Dean wanted...needed from him. He heard and almost imperceptible "Okay Cas..." and he started rocking his hips back and forth. He wanted to find that sweet spot...the one that would make the pain worth it to Dean. He gently thrust and heard Dean moan. He thrust a little harder and Dean moaned louder. He was bringing Dean pleasure. He continued to rock his body against Dean's...running his hand up and down the length of Dean's cock to the same rhythm as his thrusts. Dean had never felt anything like this in his life...he was in a daze. He knew that eventually they would both come...and this feeling would stop...but they were both holding back. This was gentle...intimate...nothing like Dean thought it would be. He could stay like this forever. The more Cas thrust...the stronger the throbbing became in Dean's cock. He pulled Cas down for one hard wet kiss before he bucked his hips...encouraging Cas to thrust deeper and harder. He wrapped his hand around Cas's and helped him stroke up and down. It was building...Dean could feel it. "Cas...I'm going to..." he said as a strangled cry. He came all over both of their hands and his entire body tensed and throbbed when he felt Cas bury himself deep and come inside of him. Dean had never experienced an orgasm like that. He couldn't move his body. He could still feel the warm waves of pleasure rolling through him as Cas moved to lay next to him on the bed. Dean couldn't find his voice...and he didn't want to hear Cas speak. He pulled Cas to him...gave him one last lingering kiss and drifted off to sleep...his arms around Cas holding him tightly against his body.

\-----------------

Dean woke up and was disappointed to find that Cas had left. He limped out of the bed...still pleasantly sore. He needed a shower before he went back to the hospital to see Sam. He only stood under the hot water long enough to get clean and then shut the shower off and stepped out. He dried off and wrapped the towel around his waist. He came out of the bathroom and saw Cas sitting at the table...a cup of coffee and box of donuts in front of him. It was moments like this that made him love Cas even more. He would do anything to have Cas love him back. He gave Cas a grin and dropped the towel to start getting dressed. He knew that Cas was admiring his body...but they didn't have time. He wrapped his hand around the cardboard coffee cup and took a drink. "Thank you Cas..."

Cas just smiled at him. "I figured I would let you go spend some time with Sam by yourself. I have some things to do and it's not really my place to be there anyway. You know how to find me Dean...let me know if you...or Sam need anything." and he disappeared.

\--------------------

Sam was sitting up in bed with his casted leg resting on a pillow when Dean showed up.

"How are ya feeling man? You scared the shit out of me last night."

"Yeah...I know. Sorry about that."

Dean dragged a chair to Sam's bedside. "Don't be sorry. I'm just glad that you're okay. Bobby wants us to head up his way once they cut you loose. Get a little R&R."

Sam chuckled. "Since when have you been able to rest or relax?"

"I didn't say it was my R&R." Dean grinned. "Oh...by the way...they said they had to shave a pretty good amount of hair to put in your stitches. I went ahead and gave them permission."

Sam freaked out and Dean laughed. Sam had this thing about his hair. It was probably some biblical Samson thing...but Dean loved to tease him about it. "No...really they did have to shave a small patch...you have over 30 stitches back there man. How's the head feeling?"

"Bad headache...my leg hurts like hell...the food sucks...and my nurse isn't even hot. These are not exactly four star accommodations."

"Okay Mr. Winchester" the doctor said as he walked through the door. He glanced up from the chart and saw both brothers looking at him "That Mr. Winchester." he said...pointing at Sam. "All of your tests have come back normal. I'm guessing that you have a pretty bad headache and that leg is probably hurting. I want to keep you one more night just to be safe. You can go home first thing tomorrow morning."

Sam started to protest...he didn't want to stay another night...but Dean cut him off, "Thanks doc,"

"Dean!"

"Sammy...stop whining. They have their reasons. By this time tomorrow we'll be headed up to Bobby's...and he sure as hell isn't going to bring you food or cater to your every need. Hey...have you gotten a sponge bath yet?" Dean grinned.

Sam rolled his eyes..."no...and I told you...my nurse isn't even hot."

\------------------

Dean spent the entire day at Sam's bedside. They didn't talk about Sam's injuries...they didn't talk about Cas. They just talked...played cards...and watched TV. Dean was relieved that Sam was okay...he didn't even argue it when he was told that visiting hours were over. "I'll be here early. Get some rest Sammy." He patted his brother on the shoulder and left. He wondered if Cas would come to him...he was so torn. He knew that he kept making excuses...telling himself that every time would be the last time. He shouldn't give in anymore. Sex had never meant anything to Dean...not until now. The way that Cas made him feel...there was no way to even describe it. He knew that he could leave things as they were...Cas cared about him as much as he knew how. But Dean felt weak when he admitted to himself that he wanted Cas to love him...to be in love with him. To argue and fight...just to kiss and make up. He wanted Cas to feel things...not rationalize them. Dean had never wanted that from anyone...but we always want what we can't have.

\------------------

 

Cas was waiting by the car. 

"How is Sam?"

"Sam is good. They're springing him loose tomorrow. We'll just head up to Bobby's...let him recuperate for awhile."

"How are you Dean?"

That was a good question...Dean didn't know how he was...and he knew that he couldn't explain it to Cas. "I'm okay Cas. I'm just glad that Sam is going to be okay...I still worry about the kid...but maybe I'll sleep better."

"Sam isn't the reason that you didn't sleep Dean."

Dean rubbed his hands down his face and dropped his head. "Yeah...I know Cas." he said quietly. "And right now I don't know if I want you to get in my car...or disappear. I told myself last night that it was the last time...just like I did the day that Sam left to research the haunting...just like I did at Bobby's. I don't know what in the fuck I am doing here Cas...and I can't make you understand why..."

"I'll do whatever it is you want me to do Dean."

Dean rubbed the back of his neck...he was Dean Winchester...Dean Winchester didn't do this. He didn't give a shit...he'd lost count of how many random beds he had snuck out of before dawn. He was an asshole by nature...love 'em and leave 'em. His feelings for Cas were some kind of cosmic joke. He lifted his head to look at Cas...half hidden in the shadows. 

"Get in Cas..." he whispered. 

As Dean pulled onto the highway. Cas reached over and turned up the radio. "Cas...what are you..." and then he felt Cas start rubbing him through his pants. He leaned back and gripped the steering wheel tightly when he felt Cas undo his pants and pull his cock out. Cas ran his hand up and down before he leaned over and ran his tongue across the head. He knew there was a sense of urgency...he couldn't take his time. He wrapped his lips around Dean and slid his head forward...licking and sucking Dean's cock as he went. He felt Dean pull a hand off of the steering wheel and rest it on the back of his head. "Oh God Cas..." he groaned...gently pushing Cas's head further down. He let Dean set the rhythm and pace...until he could feel Dean start throbbing and wrapping his fingers through his hair. He pushed Cas's head down and tilted his hips up...coming in hot spurts down Cas's throat. Cas waited until Dean had gone soft before he tucked him back into his pants and sat up.

"Holy shit Cas...what was that?"

"You enjoy driving...loud music...and I thought you would enjoy that. I'm sorry...did I do something wrong."

"Besides almost killing us both...no. I thought I was going to lose control of the car."

Cas dropped his head and looked at his hands, "I'm sorry Dean."

"Oh god Cas...don't be sorry. That was fucking amazing. You make me feel things that...shit I can barely talk. You didn't do anything wrong...you did everything right...you always do."

The motel room door was barely shut behind them when Dean had Cas pressed up against it...his kisses were needy and his hands were desperate. He couldn't get Cas's clothes off fast enough. The entire night was just skin against skin...no rhyme or reason. They licked...sucked...and caressed...memorizing every inch of each others body. Dean could see that dawn was approaching...but he couldn't stop. In that moment his body belonged to Cas...he belonged to Cas.

\------------------

"Dean? What time are you supposed to pick Sam up?"

Dean lifted his head and looked at the cheap alarm clock next to the bed. "Oh shit...they'll be releasing him in about an hour. I need to get my ass up and moving." As he grabbed his clothes so that he could go shower he heard Cas...

"Can I come to the hospital with you Dean? I would like to see Sam."

Dean paused and then turned around. "Sure Cas...Sam would love to see you before we head up to Bobby's." He knew that playtime was over. He needed to focus on helping Sam. He wanted to focus on helping Sam. On anything other than Cas. Showered and packed they headed to the hospital to pick up Sam. Dean had brought him a change of clothes the day before so they found him sitting on the edge of the bed holding a pair of crutches and listening to the doctor's discharge orders.

"Just in time" he smiled when he saw Dean and Cas.

"You good on those crutches or do you need some help?" Dean asked. He knew that Sam was okay...but he would always be overprotective.

"I guess we'll find out" Sam said as he grabbed one in each hand and hopped off of the bed. He seemed steady enough. 

"Mr. Winchester said that you will be going to stay with family in Sioux Falls. That cast can come off in eight weeks. Just take this paperwork in to a doctor up there and they should cut if off for you." The brothers knew that they'd end up just cutting it off themselves...but they nodded as the doctor handed the paperwork to Dean.

"Well...if that's everything is he ready to go?"

"He is. Good luck Mr. Winchester." the doctor said shaking Sam's hand...then Dean's. Cas just stood back and watched. Ironically...he didn't like to be touched. He did give Sam a quick awkward hug outside before he said goodbye. Dean couldn't meet his eyes. He just nodded and got in the car. He could feel that Cas had disappeared. 

"If I lay a little heavy on the gas we could make it to Bobby's tonight."

"Sounds good" Sam replied...leaning his head back and falling asleep almost immediately. Dean thought he'd be more tired himself...but he wasn't. He had too much on his mind.

\--------------------

Dean lost his usual spot on Bobby's couch...Sam couldn't navigate the stairs. That didn't stop him from sitting down there talking to Sam until his brother dozed off. It felt strange to sleep upstairs in a bed at Bobby's...he never really had. The couch had always been Dean's...he just couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep most nights. He would lay awake and think...he thought about Cas...he thought about Cas entirely too much. It was starting to wear on him. He could see the bags under his eyes. He needed to just put it behind him.

Sam did what he could to stay up and moving. Before he broke his leg he loved to sit and pore through old books. Now he got stir crazy and tired of sitting. He and Dean started walking around outside...talking about anything and everything...even playing the car game sometimes. They'd been at Bobby's for a few weeks when Sam finally asked, "have you talked to Cas lately?" Dean had been waiting for this...

"Not since you left the hospital...why?"

"Well...it's not like him to stay away this long...especially since he knows that I was in the hospital. I guess I just expected him to do his pop in to check up on us thing."

Dean just quietly sighed and calmed his voice. "I don't know what to tell you Sammy. Maybe he just got busy doing...I don't know...angel stuff."

"Or maybe you should have stopped letting him into your bed..."

Dean stopped walking and turned to Sam, "what makes you think that I let him into my bed?"

"I know you Dean. It didn't take long to figure out. I'm guessing the entire time I was in the hospital. Maybe even when we worked that haunting. There's probably more that I don't want to know about."

Dean was flustered...and he couldn't lie...not to Sam. He just dropped his head. "Yeah...okay. Busted. But it doesn't matter now. It's done...it's not going to happen again."

"Dean..." Sam said gently, "how many times have you told yourself that?"

Dean lifted his head and looked at his brother's eyes...he could feel the tears welling up. "Every time..." he whispered. He was waiting for the lecture...he was waiting for Sam to tell him how bad he'd messed up.

"I'm sorry Dean..." was all he said.

"I brought this on myself...I'll deal with the consequences. I'm just sorry that it's probably messed up your friendship with him."

Sam just stared at his brother "Don't get me wrong Dean...I like Cas...I do...but I really don't care about my friendship with him right now. You're not okay...I can tell."

That's all it took for the tears to spill on to Dean's cheeks. "No Sammy...I'm not...but it's my fault. It was all on my terms. He offered to leave more than once...but I couldn't let him. So I either keep things going the way they are...or I walk away from him completely."

"And...."

Dean wiped the tears from his face and looked up, "I have to walk away."

Sam just nodded and they started walking again. His heart was breaking. He had never seen Dean look at anyone the way he looked at Cas. He knew his brother...he was the kind of guy who would love with passion and ferocity...but he would only love once. This was it.

Dean helped Sam into the house and then poured himself a drink and went back outside. He walked up and down the rows of scrap trying to figure it all out. He knew that eventually Cas would show up...he was surprised that they hadn't seen him since they got to Bobby's. He could either talk to Cas or let it all go unspoken. But...he knew that he couldn't let it go unspoken...he had to say something. Cas wouldn't understand...but at least Dean could tell himself that he tried...that he said what needed to be said. Then he would have to let Cas go. He finished his drink and went back in the house. 

\--------------------

Bobby could see the restlessness on Dean's face. He knew that boy wasn't about to go any further than the store...not while Sam was still on the mend...but he needed to do something. He'd been wandering around like a caged animal for weeks. "Hey Dean."

Dean popped his head into the living room and looked at Bobby and Sam sharing the large desk...surrounded by boòks. "What's up Bobby?"

"Do you remember that old wrecker of mine? The one I keep out in the back lot?"

"Uh...yeah. I think so." Dean was a little confused. Bobby never even went out to the back lot anymore.

"I tried to start her up a couple of months ago...but I couldn't get the engine to turn over. Would you mind taking a look at it?"

"Sure Bobby...no problem." Dean knew that Bobby was just trying to keep him busy...and he was grateful for it. 

He went out to the back lot and looked around. It had probably been months...possibly years since Bobby had been out there. Everything was covered in a fine layer of undisturbed dirt. Dean went back to the house and loaded up a toolbox...a radio...and his cooler full of beer. He flipped the radio on and popped the hood. The engine was covered with dirt and leaves that had blown in the open garage bay door. There was a spider web next to the air filter. Dean didn't think the engine was fixable...but he'd do his best. Grease...loud music...and cold beer. Just what Dean needed. He hoped that Bobby knew how much he and Sam appreciated him. 

Not enough natural light made it's way through the open bay door so unfortunately Dean had to rely on a hanging bulb. Sam would occasionally text him to let him know when meals were ready...or he would wander back to the house to refill his cooler...but other than that he spent his waking hours in the garage. 

\--------------------

He was leaning over the engine twisting a socket wrench when he felt him. He stopped turning the wrench and froze.

"Hello Dean."

Dean did not want to turn around...but he knew this day was coming. He was surprised that it hadn't happened sooner. "Cas..." he whispered. They were standing so close that Dean could feel Cas's body heat. It was muddling his thoughts. He had spent every night since his talk with Sam thinking about...planning what he was going to say. He couldn't remember a single word. He finally turned and Cas was standing just inches away. Dean made the mistake of looking into Cas's eyes. He reached out and pulled Cas to him...shoving his trenchcoat and suit jacket down his arms onto the concrete floor. He put one hand on the side of Cas's face and the other against his back and leaned in for the kiss. Their lips met in a frenzy and Dean turned Cas until his back was against the truck...held there by Dean's body. He could feel Cas slide one hand up the back of his t-shirt and he moaned softly. Cas slid his other hand between their bodies and started rubbing Dean...that's when Dean's phone went off in his pocket. He thought about ignoring it...but what if something had happened up at the house and they needed him. Cas was still rubbing him and kissing his neck while he checked his phone. 

Sam:  
Dinner! 

Dean took a step back...out of Cas's arms. He knew that he had to do it now. He texted Sam back and simply said "Cas" and shoved his phone back in his pocket. He tried to catch his breath.

"Dean...have I done something wrong?"

Dean swallowed hard, "Cas...you haven't done anything wrong. I have."

"I don't understand."

Dean sighed and took another step back. "Exactly...you don't understand...and you never will."

"Dean...look at me."

"I can't. If I look at you then I will never get through this. It's like this Cas...I love you...I am in love with you..."

"Dean...you know that I am very fond of you..."

"Okay Cas...right there...that's the problem. I'm not 'fond' of you...I am in love with you. I never thought I'd fall in love with anyone...but when I finally do it's with someone that I can't have. I always thought that angels would be all about emotions and feelings...I had no idea that you all are so clueless. It has to be logical...it all has to make sense to you. This...this whole situation...you and me...it's a fucking cliché. I want what I can't have..."

Cas took a step forward. "But Dean..."

"Cas...stop...please. I never should have let any of this happen. I have loved you for years...but the last couple of months have been torture. I can't even think when you are around because all I want is you. I want us to be able to fight and then have make up sex. I want you to get jealous when somebody else hits on me. I want you to be able to fall asleep in my arms. These are things that I'll never have...and every single time I touch you...it reminds me more and more of the things we can't share. What we can't be. God Cas...I want a chick flick life with you. Like the rain scene in 'The Notebook'...and now I just admitted that I watched that movie. I have these feelings Cas...feelings that I don't even understand and it kills me." Tears were pouring down Dean's face...but he didn't bother to try and wipe them away. "I feel things for you that I have never felt before...and never will again. And the hardest part is knowing...believing that if any of this made any sense to you...you would love me back." He finally turned and looked at Cas...his eyes full of misery. "I know you would. You have no idea how desperately I want to stop talking and just push you back against that truck...but I can't. I can't do this anymore...I can't see you anymore. God...it hurts to say that...but it's what I have to do. Don't apologize. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. I just can't touch you...smell your skin...or look into your eyes anymore Cas. I can't do it." Dean sobbed. He lifted his head and looked at the ceiling...trying to stop the tears. "I love you Cas...I love you with everything that I have and everything that I am...but this is goodbye."

Dean heard Cas pick up his jacket and coat and disappear.

Dean fell to the floor and leaned back against the truck sobbing. His chest hurt and he was nauseous. He was never going to see Cas again. It was done. He must have sat there crying for an hour when he felt his phone.

Sam:  
U ok?

He just texted him back:

No. But he's gone. It's done.

He dropped his head between his knees and started crying again...trying to forget how it felt when Cas touched him...kissed him. Accepting that he would never again hear that low gravely voice say his name. He didn't make it back to the house until Bobby and Sam were both asleep. He crawled into the bed and buried his face in the pillow...soaking it with hot tears.

\--------------------

Bobby and Sam noticed the difference in Dean. He was quieter...less intense...but he trudged out to that garage every day to work on that truck. Bobby knew that he'd never get it fixed...but he also saw that Dean needed to work through something...and under the hood was the best place for Dean to do it.

Dean had the radio up and was laying under the truck when he saw the crutches on the concrete floor. He and Sam hadn't really talked. He slid out from under the truck.

"Do you want a beer?"

"Sure" Sam said. Dean grabbed two and gestured for Sam to sit on the closed cooler. He popped the lids off and handed one to his brother.

"That must have been a hell of a hike for a guy on crutches."

Sam looked down and smiled, "Yeah...but we're cutting this thing off next week. Can you believe that it's already been two months since my accident?"

"Time flies" Dean answered...pulling the beer bottle to his lips. It had been a few weeks since he'd talked to Cas. He knew that's why Sam came to see him.

"Are you okay Dean?"

"Sammy...I am as okay as I'm ever gonna be. I did the right thing. Life has to go on..right?"

"Yeah...I guess it does." Sam could see the pain and weariness in Dean's eyes. He only hoped that over time it would fade. "Hey...do you mind if I hang out here for a little while? It is a hell of a hike. Don't worry...I'm not going to ask you to talk."

"Thanks Sam" Dean said as he got back to work on the old truck.

\--------------------

The cast came off and within a couple of weeks the boys went back to work...just taking easy cases and staying close to Bobby's house. Dean didn't dream about Cas every night anymore...but he did dream about him. He hadn't tried to pick up any women...he wasn't interested right now...but he was hoping that would change eventually. He still hadn't told Sam about his last conversation with Cas...he needed to keep that to himself. He didn't talk about Cas at all. He tried not to think about Cas. 

\--------------------

Sam was feeling stronger every day. It had been six months since his accident and besides the occasional twinge in his leg...he felt good. They had started to take on tougher cases...venturing further from Bobby's house. Even Dean had become more like his old self. Sam didn't see the same pain in his eyes anymore.

They had finished off a vamp nest and Dean was drying off his hair while Sam jumped in the shower. Dean heard somebody knock on the door. What the hell? Nobody ever knocked on the door. He grabbed his gun and looked out of the peephole. He could see Cas...his face outlined by the harsh motel lighting. Dean froze...he just stood with his face pressed against the door. Cas started to walk away. Dean knew that opening that door may be the dumbest thing he could do...but he had to know why Cas was here...why now. It had been months since he told Cas goodbye. He set the gun down and opened the door. He watched Cas walk away for a minute...

"Cas..." Dean yelled.

Cas turned around and they just stared at each other from across the parking lot. Cas was nervous and chewing on his bottom lip...Dean wanted to rush and pull him into his arms. Instead he walked slowly towards him...stopping close enough to hear him...but far enough that he couldn't feel him. Dean was glad that it was growing dark outside...he could barely make out the blue of Cas's eyes.

"Cas...what are you doing here?"

"I know you told me that you didn't want to see me again..." Cas's voice shook...it was quiet and softer. "Maybe I shouldn't have come...but I just wanted you to know that I understand...and you're right."

Sam got out of the shower and saw that Dean was gone and his gun was on the table. He looked out the window to see if Dean had gone somewhere in the car but the car was still there. So was Dean...so was Cas...

"What do you mean that you understand and I was right?" Dean's voice was gentle...but his heart was pounding.

"I tried to watch that movie Dean. The Notebook. I watched it probably a hundred times...and it didn't make sense. I thought maybe one of my sisters might better understand it...but none of them did. I've tried everything Dean. I've tried to understand...I want to understand. I don't want to say goodbye."

"I didn't want to say goodbye Cas...you have no idea how much that hurt..."

"And here I am...back...disrupting your life. I'm not here to ask anything of you...I just wanted to give you something." Cas reached into his pocket and took Dean's hand in his. Dean felt almost dizzy when Cas touched him. Cas pressed something against the palm of his hand and closed his fingers around it. He leaned forward and gently kissed him, "Goodbye Dean" he whispered with tears in his eyes. Dean opened his hand just as Cas turned away. It was a bottle...a small glowing bottle.

"Cas...is this..."

Cas stopped walking but kept his back to Dean. "It's my grace Dean...I want you to have it. I understand now. And you were right...once I did understand...I was able to love you back. I'm just sorry it took this long..."

"If this is your grace..then you're..."

"I'm human Dean. I called Bobby to find out where you'd be and I took a bus here."

"Cas...look at me..."

Cas turned around...tears running down his face. "I know why you told me goodbye. I know why it had to be me...because I know that it has to be you. I want you to have my grace Dean. You loved me when I couldn't love you back. But now I can...and I do. I always will..."

Dean stared at the small bottle in his hand. "So what am I supposed to do with this Cas? What am I supposed to do now? I have spent years wanting you...knowing that I could never have you. I finally had to walk away...and it almost killed me Cas. It took months for me to stop dreaming about you every night...but I still dream about you. I still can't imagine touching somebody else. I don't want anyone else."

"Dean..."

Dean could feel the tears but he didn't care, "So you removed your grace and tracked me down...to bring it to me? To stand five feet away from me and tell me things that I have been wanting to hear for years? I finally accepted that you would never love me. I almost let things keep going the way they were because I hate not having you here. Some days it's like I'm barely living. And you're here to tell me goodbye?"

"I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry..." Cas whispered.

"Sorry for what Cas?"

"All of the time you wasted on me. Even though I was still an angel...when you touched me...it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I couldn't stay away from you...and it was selfish. I feel like I used you."

"Used me? For what Cas? Sex? You didn't understand my feelings...and I accepted that...but I still let you into my bed. I won't ever love anybody else. I don't know how. I don't want to know how. You're it Cas...you've always been it. Look at me Cas...look me in the eye and tell me what you want from me."

"I want to fight and have make up sex Dean. I want to get jealous when somebody else hits on you. I want to fall asleep in your arms..."

Dean slipped the small bottle in his pocket and stepped forward. "Then we're going to need to get another room" he said quietly before he gently placed his hands on the sides of Cas's face and pulled him into a long lingering kiss. "I want to hear you say it..."

"I love you Dean..."

"I love you too Cas...no more goodbyes..."

"No more goodbyes..."


End file.
